All of the above.

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Save me from myself.

June 19, 2013

 

There’s a time and a place,
And it’s all gone to waste,
Loosing faith, loosing hope,
Hoping not to choke,

Flailing limbs, failing mind,
Racing thoughts, so unkind,
Break your promise, break your word,
As your pleas go unheard,

Action without thought,
That’s what the world has taught,
There’s no power, just defeat,
Blackened silence comes to greet,

Heart so full, it may just burst,
Ever vulnerable to your worst,
Ever searching for a home,
Ever fighting this alone,

Always loyal, always fearless,
Yet somehow drowning in abjectness,
The more you try, the more you fail,
Can’t find a way to prevail,

There’s a time and there’s a place,
And it’s all gone to waste,
Loosing faith, loosing hope,
Each time you fall and choke,

Eat your words, deep regret,
Can’t make your mind forget,
Unless you drink until its black,
So you won’t feel this heart attack,

Sinking deeper, falling down,
Will anybody stick around?
Into this darkness, I foolishly delve,
Won’t someone save me from myself?

It goes on.

June 9, 2013

The feeling, unrelenting,
The voices, unforgiving,
Nothing lost, nothing gained,
Is this a life worth living?

Fearless friend,
Long forgotten,
Long abused,
Thus, downtrodden,

Picture perfect,
Yearn and yearn,
Below the surface,
None concerned,

Feel your heartbeat,
Burn alive,
Every feeling,
A thousand knives,

The feeling, unrelenting,
The voices, unforgiving,
Love lost, none remain,
Is this a life worth living?

Spaces.

June 7, 2013

Spaces between us,

Like empty expanses,
The road unwalked,
Between you and me,

Although we can’t see it,
We, surely, can feel it,
Dark holes to be filled,
The light sets us free,

Reach out through the darkness,
Fill up with your light,
I am lost here, and lonely,
My eyes cannot see,

I don’t have the answers,
It all feels unsure,
But a lurking conviction,
Is making a plea,

Brave the darkness,
Walk through the night,
Follow the light,
Push through the debris,

And if, by chance,
You’re awaiting me there,
We can fill up these spaces,
Between you and me.

Can you tell me when we changed?
Because your eyes don’t look the same,
You touch me all too often now,
With not a lot to gain,

I can feel your body’s energy,
It gravitates towards me,
Something exists between us now,
Like electricity,

If your touch lingers too long again
If you hold me a little too close,
I swear that I will kiss you,
And I will not look back,

You held me, when you shouldn’t have,
For a little while too long,
You let my fingers slip into yours,
Where they don’t usually belong,

You noticed my heart start racing,
My breathing felt too heavy,
I could feel my body wanting you,
But we both held back, uneasy,

But if your touch lingers too long again,
If you hold me a little too close,
I swear that I will kiss you,
And I will not look back,

And yet, you leave me empty,
Pretending nothing’s there,
Ignoring what I know exists,
Ignoring what we shared,

I wait to see you look at me,
And realise what you’ve missed,
Instinctively reach out to me,
For that picture perfect kiss,

I want your touch to linger me,
I want to feel you hold me close,
Because I swore that I would kiss you,
Because it’s what I want the most,

Let your touch linger too long again,
And hold me a little too close,
So I can finally kiss you,
Because I’m the one you chose.

Take me away.

June 6, 2013

Take me away,
If you won’t be mine,
I can’t be by your side,
Pretending I’m fine,

Take me away,
Because it’s breaking me down,
I can’t catch my breath,
Whenever you’re around,

Take me away,
For the words I can’t speak,
Are eating me up,
Its making me weak,

Take me away,
Because you’re breaking my heart,
I can’t do this myself,
Yet can’t imagine us apart,

Take me away,
If you won’t love me back,
Don’t lead me on,
Until my world fades to black,

Take me away,
And come with me, please,
We could just float away,
Like leaves in the breeze,

Take me away,
I can’t do this again,
Unrequited love,
Irrevocable pain,

Take me away,
Because I don’t love you yet,
And I’m afraid if I do,
I’ll forever regret,

Take me away,
What we had is now broke,
We whisked it away,
In a dark cloud of smoke,

Take me away,
If you wont love me so,
Take me away,
So I can let go.

My blood runs blue.

June 6, 2013

My blood runs deep,
It runs blue through my veins,
My heart folds like origami,
And flies away like a crane,

My eyes could tell a story,
They’re a blue ocean tide,
Take your boat and sail into them,
To seek the answers inside,

Then I’ll give to you my paper heart,
You can fold it as you will,
I will even let you tear at it,
If it gives you such a thrill,

And if you tear my paper wings,
So I can no longer fly,
It gives me one more reason,
To remain here by your side,

I’ll sing to you my music,
As a gateway to my soul,
In hope you’ll give me back a key,
As I wait here in the cold,

I’ll paint my body like a canvas,
So I’m beauty to behold,
So that when you cast your eyes on me,
You’ll be drawn back to the heart you stole,

Then teach me how to fold you heart,
Into the dragon that lies within,
And when your wings are folded perfectly,
We’ll fly together in the wind.

Forbidden

June 1, 2013

Words with so little meaning,
A touch with so much feeling,
A look, reckless and wanting,
And we took it because we could,

Your hands on my body,
Your mouth upon mine,
We took what we wanted,
Because we could, and so we did,

You looked at me, untrusting,
Seeking the truth behind my eyes,
Unsure the rules of the game,
That I’d made for you and I,

But in that moment where you let go,
Let the moment take you over,
You came over me like thunder,
And I was swept away,

It was messy, it was lustful,
It was forceful, yet somehow soft,
As we broke the rules we’d made up,
Once, so long ago,

I don’t recall the moment,
When I decided what I wanted,
But I knew that what I wanted,
Was something I could get,

And maybe it was wrong,
Or maybe it was right,
But now its just a memory,
That we keep hidden, out of sight.

I want to fall in love.

I want to fall in love again. Is that selfish?
I want it so bad, it consumes me.

I want you to consume me. I want my whole body to ache for your being. To ache, and yearn, and lust. I want your touch to give me butterflies. You do give me butterflies. I want your kiss to fill me, whole. I want to fall into your arms and feel safe because I know you need me. I want to belong there. I want to belong in your arms, and you, in mine. I want to look into your eyes and be able to see myself in your soul. To know that our souls have met, and cannot part. I want to feel your hand on my face, and anticipate your kiss. Anticipate those lips. Crave them, like a drug. I want you to be my drug. I want to shake and tremble, as the suspense makes my knees buckle. But your lips, your hands, your body, will save me and lift me up again. Holding all that I am, together, in one piece.

want you to be my gravity, to pull every part of my being towards you. I want the moments without you to make my body heavy. And the moments with you to make me feel light, and complete. I want our bodies to move as one. I want us to fill the empty spaces in the world and claim them as our own, as our bodies intertwine. I want you to be so sure of our love that you say everything you are thinking and forget that you shouldn’t. I want to complete you. I want you to know my eyes as well as you know my heart. I want you to search my eyes for that love you crave, and find it. I want you to know that I know every part of your bruised and battered heart. And that I love every scratch and imperfection. I have wanted to love you from the first moment I met you. I felt myself fall the second we crossed paths. 

know you felt it too. I know you want to love me. And I know you’re scared and you thinking hurting me will keep you safe. Just keep me at a distance, so you don’t get burned. But I can keep you safe. And I will let you keep me safe.

So stop. Stop pretending you feel nothing. Stop pretending you don’t want me more than you think is okay. More than you think is safe. I don’t want your safe love. I want your whole love. Love me wholly.

Don’t make me regret this. Don’t be the fool who let love go because he was scared. 

Fall in love with me because I want to fall in love with you.
Fall in love with me because I think I already have.
Fall in love with me because you already have.
Fall with me, and we don’t have to be scared.
As long as we fall together.

The Dark Unknown

May 19, 2013

When midnight came, I did not know it,
For you seemed to glow, and fill the darkness,
You filled it, full, and took me with you,
Into the dark unknown,

I took your hand, trusting, foolish,
As you led me down, and I let you do it,
The path was short, and bittersweet,
As we walked the dark unknown,

You kissed me soft, and then too deep,
Hand were shaking, knees were weak,
Promises made, now promises broken,
Left in the dark unknown,

You took me, wholly, with reverence,
As we breathed each other in,
We freed each other in a moment of bliss,
As we got lost in the dark unknown,

At first, treading gently, then all at once,
We found new ways to fall in love,
You lifted me up, then pulled me back down,
To you, in the dark unknown,

We relished the moment, but we let it slip by,
Too busy making promises we’d eventually break,
I wanted your everything and I gave you my all,
And you took it, in the dark unknown,

But the moment was ending as you kissed me softly,
Wrapped in your arms, it felt like home,
As you turned and left, with eyes filled with hope,
I was left in the dark unknown,

Its cold as I’m waiting for you to return,
You took all the light when you left,
So without your light to guide me home,
I will wait, in the dark unknown.

 

 

I refuse to let you make this out like its my fault.
So yeah, along the way I have made some phenomenal mistakes. And sometimes I hurt you.
But the worst mistake I ever made, was forgiving you. Time and time again.
When you belittled me, in front of everyone and nobody.
You pushed me away.
You broke me.
You were never there when I needed you.
And I was always there.
Always patient.
Always forgiving.
You have taken advantage of me, and I’m starting to think you don’t even know it.
You have bullied me for four years. You always have to win every fight.
I’m sorry that you have problems. But hey, I do too.
I was here, and ready to be your friend.
To work through out shit. Together.
But you never let me in.

The worst part is, I would forgive you again if you actually made an effort ever to see me.
But every time I’m in the same vicinity as you, you blatantly ignore me.

I’m trying to pick up my pieces, but you are just wallowing in yours.
I suppose I have you to credit for helping me realise I can rely on nobody but myself to fix what is going on inside my head.
I also credit you for helping me realise my true friends.

Take your own damn advice once in a while.
Stop being a hypocrite and taking your issues out on everyone else.
You are not special.
You don’t have any right treating people like this.

I’m right here.
I’ve always been right here.
So wake up, before everybody is gone.

You break my heart every day.
But I’m done reaching out to you.
If you want me, I’m here.
But I’ve got some serious truths to lay down in front of you.
Because I will not let you hurt me anymore.

Darkness, my friend.

January 9, 2012

Darkness, my friend,
Hide my flaws, hide my pain,
You see past my reflection,
Which I study in vain,

Cast shadows on the truth,
Pull a veil upon my eyes,
The truth give me no solace,
Shelter me in lies,

The truth I see is ugly,
A truth I hate to see,
Shattered to a thousand pieces,
In hope it sets me free,

Darkness comes to greet me,
Darkness is my friend,
In the darkness I can hide,
With no reflection to contend,

Darkness shows no judgment,
It helps me to forget,
That thing that I am searching for,
For I haven’t found it yet.

Teach my feet to fly.

December 22, 2011

It’s coming near Christmas, they’re cutting down trees,
They’re putting up reindeer and singing songs of joy and peace.

I wish I had a river,
I could skate away on.

It don’t snow here, it stays pretty green,
I’m gonna make a lot of money,
And I’m gonna quit this crazy scene.

I wish I had a river,
I could skate away on,
I wish I had a river so long,
I could teach my feet to fly.

Oh, I wish I had a river, I could skate away on,
I made my baby cry.

He tried hard to help me, he put me at ease,
He loved me so naughty,
Made me weak in the knees.

I wish I had a river,
I could skate away on.

I’m so hard to handle, I’m selfish, and I’m sad,
I went and lost the best baby I ever had.

I wish I had a river,
I could skate away on,
I wish I had a river so long,
I could teach my feet to fly.

Oh, I wish I had a river,
I could skate away on,
I made my baby say goodbye.

It’s coming near Christmas, they’re cutting down trees,
They’re putting up reindeer and singing song of joy and peace.

I wish I had a river,
I could skate away on.

-Joni Mitchell 


I am so tired of being okay with the way you treat me. You call me your “best friend” and then you don’t talk to me for days, weeks. When I told you I was depressed and felt isolated, like I had nobody, you told me you need space from me. What kind of a friend does that? Leaves their best friend when they tell them something like that. I’m not asking you to be my psychologist. I’m asking you to treat me like a human being. I’m asking you to treat me like I actually matter to you.

We promised we would always be honest. I always was. You never were. You didn’t help me when I was struggling in my first relationship, because you loved him and never told me. I needed you and you told me that you weren’t going to help me break up with your friend. I needed some advice because I was lost and confused, and you held something I didn’t even know against me. And I’m sure you still do. I cheated on him and you’re mad at me, like I did it to you. When the truth is, you cheat on me and our friendship all the time.

You tell everyone my secrets all the time. You told everyone about the time I got really drunk and took a lot of codeine. You trivialized one of the lowest points in my life. Every time I have had a breakdown, you haven’t supported me. You have acted mad at me and pushed me away.

You expect me to tell you everything, when you can’t even tell me who it is you like. I don’t understand why you can’t trust me when I have never told anyone anything about you. Yet you so easily make me feel so small about the things I have done. You easily share them with other people. And yet, if I did the same to you? You would probably never speak to me again.

You replace me all the time. You find new friends and basically ignore me for whatever length of time the friendship lasts. You invite these people over, when it used to be me. When it used to be our thing. You get mad when I hang out alone with people, and don’t invite you, but you do it all the time, with things you know I would love doing. You punish me for things, and pretend like I’m making it all up in my head. You get close to people I become friends with, even when you didn’t actually like them in the first place. It’s like I can’t have anything of my own. It all has to go through you.

We have so much fun when we are together, but you’re toxic to me. Stop pretending like I can depend on you, when I can’t. Because every time I try to, you push me away, shut me down and cut me out.

I’m tired of being your second choice. I’m tired of you having rules for our friendship that only I have to follow. I’m tired of having nobody when it should be you who is helping me pick up the pieces.

You take advantage of me. You hurt me all the time like it’s nothing. And I’ve come to let it seem like it’s okay. But I’m not going to pretend it’s okay anymore. I’m not going to just forgive you and let it go.

I shouldn’t have to settle for a best friend who treats me like I’m nothing.
I already feel like nothing, without you doing it to me.
I’m so tired. When are you going to grow up? Because I’m not going to wait around forever until you finally realise that I’m worth more than what you treat me.
Wake up. Because I am so close to done with you.


So, I get that you are an independent person, but do you seriously have this much low regard for your friends? Or is it just me?

I know we have our weird secret relationship going, or we did, but I was totally fine with being just friends, or even compartmentalizing it. So why do you feel the need to push me aside and ignore me? Not only do I feel you have used me as some kind of sex toy, but I feel you used our friendship to establish such a relationship, and then pushed them both aside once you got bored.

You used to ignore me when I’d see you, and bluntly respond to me when I saw you in person, and yet you would flirt with my through texts. Finally, I actually got you to start talking to me again, and get over whatever ego it was you had about everything.

It’s not the fact that you don’t want to be with me that hurts, I honestly couldn’t care, but the fact that you clearly don’t care about me as a person. Are you seriously that self-involved that you can’t just be a friend to me?

I’m not the type of person who just gives up on someone at the drop of a hat. So I’m just hanging around feeling crap, and used. And I realise, you’re just like every asshole I know, who doesn’t give two shits about me. So, fuck you. Fuck the way you used me. Fuck everyone who ever has used me. And fuck you again for proving that everyone is the same, and nobody actually fucking cares. Fuck this. Fuck you. And fuck you again.

And you know what the worst part is? I don’t even have anyone to talk to about this. All I have is this stupid fucking blog, and a bunch of superficial friends who I can’t say a word to.

“Not Yours” by Heather Freeman

Think about it.

December 7, 2011

Think about it.

It seems I have lost my glasses entirely.

I haven’t been looking for so long.
Where are you?
Why am I so incapable of loving anyone since my ex?
Why does nobody want me?
Why does it hurt when people I don’t want stop wanting me?
Where are you?
I’m tired of waiting, unwanted and alone.

Train wreck.

October 29, 2011

I feel so empty. Everytime I get up to do something, I feel so hopeless that I just lay back down.
I’m so bored and so sad. I wake up most morning thinking of ways to die.
I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m tired of feeling like dying. I’m tired of worrying about everything I eat, and not being able to stop. I’m tired of being anxious all the time. I’m tired of hating the way I look and wanting to break every mirror I catch a glimpse of myself in. I’m tired of being afraid of everyone because I’m so insecure about everything. I am so tired  of being either way up or way down, with the dreary numbness that comes in between.

It always seems like there is nobody around when I need them the most.
Everybody wants you to be perfect and happy and okay, but it’s not like that.
So why don’t they stick around when it isn’t?

Wrong way. Go back.

April 4, 2011


I was talking with a friend about the way some relationships feel like they are one way.
You put all your energy into someone, or the someones you care about, and end up getting nothing back.
Its like, I’ll go that extra mile to walk someone home and at the end, I realise, I have to walk all the way back home by myself.
And nobody cares.